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img_7344the last couple of months, i’ve cared a lot about my skin care routine. every morning and every night, i turn into a chemist mixing concoctions that will make me the most beautiful. exfoliating scrub every sunday, face masks every wednesday, and absolutely all make up washed off before bed. that is, until i turned my life upside down. until may fifteenth when i broke myself and the one i love. now i feel like i’d rather die than breath, rather suffocate on my mistakes and end the pain for a while. instead of sleeping on my perfect white sheets, i allow myself to sleep in remnants of my tears, reminders that my head has been on the pillow since 11am with my makeup intact but my tears flowing. but i don’t care. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care i just need the pain to stop. please stop. your love hurts sometimes but your absence is excruciating.

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even when you scream at me

i’m thankful to hear your voice.

racing thoughts.

my insides are twisting my eyes are raw i want to throw up oh god i’m gonna throw up i hate myself i hate the mistakes i’ve made i hate the mistakes he’s made i hate not knowing if we’ll ever walk the same path again or if we’ll ever sit by the river again oh god i hate myself but i need to protect myself but i need him i love him i hate our fights i don’t know what’s worse feeling so empty or feeling so small oh god am i overreacting i must be overreacting if he thinks we should be okay i always make everything into a bigger deal than it needs to be but do i or am i just tired of being crushed tired of questioning myself can two people in love actually not be together because i feel like i don’t want to live at all let alone without you.

i love you and it fucking hurts.

what can i say?
how can i possibly say it’s okay?
nothing’s okay when we collide but nothing is okay when you’re not here and i wholeheartedly believe that your jaded shattered pieces were meant to fit mine
but sometimes, we shatter each other.
those jaded pieces become harder to fit together.
sometimes, lips that spoke words sweet like honey now spit on the love that we have built.
and how can i say it’s okay?
what do i say when my heart is bruised and hurting but loving you all the same?
my life without you looks black and white and i’m addicted to your vibrant colors but this addiction lets me ride our highs and makes me wallow in the lows
then the words that should’ve gone unspoken still echo in my mind.
sometimes i feel like i’m gasping for air and there’s no oxygen in sight.
no one makes my heart sing like you do but no one has ever held it so close and that fucking scares me to death because trust is a thin line and sometimes we resemble amateur tight rope walkers being thrust into the circus for the first time
an act so exhilarating, so life-changing
yet potentially lethal.

fly with me

how far away is the moon / never mind / i know i love you ten times longer / i don’t know how many stars rest in the blackness / but i understand that you are brighter than them all / a celestial body / no gravity / no air for my lungs / you are all i need

35+

you are there and i am here and
i remember when you sat across from me eating nine dollar noodles in a big metal bowl and the space around us was buzzing but the space between us was pure serenity infused with my sniffles that didn’t stop you from leaning in closer

you are there and i am here and
i daydream about the time you walked with me in the cool humid summer air with the light of the moon reflecting off of our glasses and we walked to the seven eleven for lottery tickets talking about what a luxury it would be to have millions but deep down i knew all i needed was you

you are there and i am here and
i cry because i am hunched over in the bathroom witnessing a meeting between yesterday’s dinner and my toilet for the third time this week and i burn with the fear of being sick forever but i know if you could you would be running your fingers down my back and holding my auburn hair in your callused hands whispering that if you could carry my pain you would break your own shoulders to let me feel peace

you are there and i am here and
it is the only seventy degree day of a bitter cold february and i am driving with my windows down as the unexpected spring breeze circles my face and caresses my hair and i feel youthful and lighter and zealous and carefree and my only regret is that you are not occupying the space to my right with your hand on my thigh and your lungs sharing the fresh air with mine

you are there and i am here and
i know it won’t be for long because suddenly i hear the thumps of poetry outside so i run into the air that is colder than i want it to be and down the black pavement i go because now you are here and i am here too and i know you’ve crossed gray waters and skyscrapers to lay eyes on my smile and then your arms hold me closer than anyone else has ever been to my heart and my soul is happy knowing

you are here and i am here and
my heart strings will always be stronger than the space in between us until they can pull you home to my body
forever

broken, mended, broken, mended, etc.

with my hand over my mouth, my eyes said it all. all of the words i could never say to you tore away at my spine and left me hunched over on the ground. i clutched my stomach, trying to fill the empty pit you left inside of me. my ribs collapsed…they must’ve grown tired of accommodating my rapid lungs. the ones once filled with your air, but now only occupied by gulps of your absence as you fill yours with clouds of delusion. every day is a battle between my mind and my heart for one knows who you are and the other fights for what you could be.

but my eyes don’t cry anymore.
you are here, and you are not.
you are standing next to me, but i don’t feel a presence.

the nostalgic piece of me will always long for you
but the better part of me will never allow you to kill me again.

you saw it all. i know you did.

my mind can’t understand how my heart can feel so much pain but feel nothing at all / my heart can’t understand how my mind can make my whole body want to quit / all the heart wants is to keep me alive and it fights for me / but / i don’t understand why the universe has the funniest way of torturing me when I crave peace the most / it’s as if i am drowning fighting death on the bottom of the ocean but all you see are coral sunsets and calm waters while you breath perfect salty air / you don’t see me / you’re blessed with beautiful eyes but they are blind

america, the beautiful

this is not an issue of blue or red
it is not a question of unhealthy heads

this is not the time for defense of a hobby
is it worth seventeen lifeless bodies?

they say to arm teachers and barricade doors
but why should our educators have to prepare for a war?

“guns don’t kill people, people kill people”
yes, with guns. it’s just that simple.

we need to step up, we need to listen
can’t you hear the screams of our children in the distance?

surviving such trauma must be a huge burden to bear
this country needs more than your thoughts and prayers

brave survivors challenge politicians with no fear
before they’ve even finished their senior year

outrage and action are long overdue
it’s about time we as a country try something new

but how many bullets will it take for you to put the gun down?

i’ve let these words live in my head for too long

as i find my eyelids weighing heavier than the thoughts on my mind, i wish i could make it all stop. not in the way you might think. sometimes in that way, but mostly in the way that would give me a break from my emptiness without anyone knowing i needed a break. it was hard to feel and wail and gulp back my tears but it’s even harder to feel numbness consume my heart. i haven’t written lately. not because i haven’t been craving it but because the words don’t come as easily anymore. for someone who uses poetry to empty out the damaging thoughts, this is an unspeakable loss. but right now i don’t want that permanent break i sometimes think about…i hope i find my light again soon.