powerless

it’s like i am trained to run a marathon, yet can’t make it past the first mile
days that use to pass like fleeting happiness now move as slowly as my mind trying to figure out how i can have everything yet feel nothing

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monsters under the bed

little potted plants
white duvets
crinkled sheets
and a bleeding heart

dim lights
stuffed giraffes
my favorite sweater
and tear stains

how terrifying it is to
be in a place so safe
but feel so
in danger

19

i am from pigtails and plaid skirts and penny loafers with a lucky penny slipped inside
i am from therapy sessions and pill bottles stacked up in the closet

i am from sleepovers and ice cream dates and striving for perfect scores
i am from wet pillowcases and puffy morning eyes

i am from long walks with good music and running to pound away my thoughts
i am from scales and calculating the caloric value of a grape

i am from family dinners with jeopardy as background noise
i am from grieving three losses and praying i wouldn’t be the next

i am from writing and target runs and sleeping til noon
i am from whispers and name calling and sweeping sorrows under the perfect expensive rug

i am from shopping and reality tv and historical debates
i am from covering up the damage i have done to myself with sleeves and a smile

i am from the light and the dark
i am from always waiting for the sun

dear life

There are no words in any language to describe the feeling I get in my chest, like something awful is happening even though I’m halfway through a laugh with my friends.

I hate the way my throat grows a lump big enough that I swear it could crush my entire body. Sometimes I wish it would, because God knows it’s already crushing my spirit.

I’ll never understand how I can stare at a wall and feel so empty, so hollow, yet feel everything all at once. Underwhelmed yet overwhelmed by life at the same time.

I don’t know how I can sit across from a person every week, protected by four comforting walls and a promise, divulging every nook and cranny of my mind, yet still feel like I am losing control.

I can’t comprehend why it brings me comfort to cause my body pain. How a sting can feel like relief. Like the hurt is flowing out of me, yet regret and disappointed rage in.

And so the cycle continues.

september 

as humid air turns to a crisp breeze,
i hope i am happier

i hope the less desirable parts of my life fall from my body and lay dormant on the ground with warm-toned leaves,
as new beginnings bloom like plump pumpkins

i want to embrace it all
taking it in like curling steam from my favorite cup of coffee
whiffs of nostalgia and eagerness
because this september will never happen again

gravity

my whole life,you’ve wanted me smaller

my ambition is too much
my thighs are too much
my brain is too much

you try and try to shrink me
but i refuse to get in your box

i can only imagine how much you hated that i made you heavy
weighed down
burdened

you carried me those nine months
but i’ll carry this demon a lifetime

             -i’m sorry, mom

all of you

i want you to know that hurting you
hurt me too
and having your tears dampen my tshirt
drowned my heart deep in regret

i want you to know that when it’s all said and done
your arms are the only ones i want to be wrapped so tightly in that i feel your heart beat against mine
your eyes are the only ones i want to gaze at forever in comfortable silence
your lips are the only ones i want to kiss in new places to commemorate adventures

i want you to know that
your hands are the only ones i want to have a secret handshake with while exchanging goofy grins
your smile is the only one i want to wake up to, and the only one that makes my heart flutter
your voice is the only one i want to hear on replay so i can soak in every word
and your soul is the only one i have admired so deeply and so truly

i want you to know
that i’m captivated by you
and i need you to know
that i love you always

——-love conquers all