my mind can’t understand how my heart can feel so much pain but feel nothing at all / my heart can’t understand how my mind can make my whole body want to quit / all the heart wants is to keep me alive and it fights for me / but / i don’t understand why the universe has the funniest way of torturing me when I crave peace the most / it’s as if i am drowning fighting death on the bottom of the ocean but all you see are coral sunsets and calm waters while you breath perfect salty air / you don’t see me / you’re blessed with beautiful eyes but they are blind
as i find my eyelids weighing heavier than the thoughts on my mind, i wish i could make it all stop. not in the way you might think. sometimes in that way, but mostly in the way that would give me a break from my emptiness without anyone knowing i needed a break. it was hard to feel and wail and gulp back my tears but it’s even harder to feel numbness consume my heart. i haven’t written lately. not because i haven’t been craving it but because the words don’t come as easily anymore. for someone who uses poetry to empty out the damaging thoughts, this is an unspeakable loss. but right now i don’t want that permanent break i sometimes think about…i hope i find my light again soon.
my emotions make themselves known by pumping my blood faster and faster until my breath can’t keep up any longer and my head seems to forget its place during the day is under the sun, not rested on a pillow in my blackened room
my emotions spiral themselves around the bagel i brought myself to eat and i can’t help but wonder how it would be to live without an urge to reintroduce my finger to my throat and let them dance around for awhile
my family says to control my emotions but i keep letting my emotions control me until they burst out of my dirt-colored eyes, creating a muddy monsoon that sweeps up any sliver of hope and rushes it away with all of the people who tell me i’m a liability
maybe the problem is me because my days of the week pill container is full of chemical happiness but my heart remains empty, longing for the days when my nervous system did not rely on prescriptions to stay alive
as i resist the temptation to let my anger swallow me whole, my lilac manicured nails fight the urge to make drawings on my skin that has been broken too many times to remember
my emotions continue to control me
and i don’t want to remember any of it at all.
there is no scarier feeling than laying in a blackened room with nothing but my delusions to lay beside me
laying there thinking that my dreams will be heaven but here i am, stuck in purgatory
i am swallowed whole by the thought that my yesterdays were a daydream and my present is a nightmare
my future haunts me yet it’s all i want
staring at the swivel of the fan,
i lose all reality
i forget my favorite things and an all too familiar monster snuggles against me
here i am,
yet with so much unwanted company
and with burdened eyes, i lye there unable to control the spirals
slowly, i fall into heaven
sometimes i run towards you with a mile wide grin
but when i reach you
i keep running
you stand there
lonely and confused
watching me run into the desert must be terrifying
but just know
i will always come back to you
every time your words pierce my fragile mind, i find myself six years old again. staring at my thighs and wondering why they can’t look like yours
why i can’t be what you want
you have a funny way of pushing me away, then dragging me back into your twisted games, your crooked lies. i never wanted to see that the most lethal danger to my peace has been you
but yet again, i am taken back to when i am nine years old
and you don’t allow me an ice cream cone
not really a big deal, except i watch my friends eat guiltlessly as i sit staring at my thighs wishing i could burn them away
and now i think to myself, it’s always been the same with you.
because now i am thirteen years old and i step on that ruthless black pit every morning like clockwork
the digits burn into my mind, as i cry because another tenth of a pound is going to make me lose you
but i never had you, did i? i was always asking for things you couldn’t give
how selfish of me
unconditional love is too much to ask
and now, six years later and i find myself hunched over in the bathroom, doors locked, eyes watery, red scratches on my thighs
my finger has found a home in my throat and i think about how i could never find a home in you, and never will.
as the hole in my chest lays vacant
i wish you were here to place your head over my rhythmic heartbeat
to fill the emptiness
if even for a short while
i want to feel my body encapsulated by the words you so kindly share with me as i stain your shirt with runny mascara
you may not be able to make it all go away
but even in a lifeless black sky
does a single star glisten
my eyelids are burdened by pill bottles and a heavy plate
fluttering, i see the world in a dim gray
with weary eyes and curled lashes,
i find myself face down on the ground
little potted plants
and a bleeding heart
my favorite sweater
and tear stains
how terrifying it is to
be in a place so safe
but feel so
There are no words in any language to describe the feeling I get in my chest, like something awful is happening even though I’m halfway through a laugh with my friends.
I hate the way my throat grows a lump big enough that I swear it could crush my entire body. Sometimes I wish it would, because God knows it’s already crushing my spirit.
I’ll never understand how I can stare at a wall and feel so empty, so hollow, yet feel everything all at once. Underwhelmed yet overwhelmed by life at the same time.
I don’t know how I can sit across from a person every week, protected by four comforting walls and a promise, divulging every nook and cranny of my mind, yet still feel like I am losing control.
I can’t comprehend why it brings me comfort to cause my body pain. How a sting can feel like relief. Like the hurt is flowing out of me, yet regret and disappointed rage in.
And so the cycle continues.