racing thoughts.

my insides are twisting my eyes are raw i want to throw up oh god i’m gonna throw up i hate myself i hate the mistakes i’ve made i hate the mistakes he’s made i hate not knowing if we’ll ever walk the same path again or if we’ll ever sit by the river again oh god i hate myself but i need to protect myself but i need him i love him i hate our fights i don’t know what’s worse feeling so empty or feeling so small oh god am i overreacting i must be overreacting if he thinks we should be okay i always make everything into a bigger deal than it needs to be but do i or am i just tired of being crushed tired of questioning myself can two people in love actually not be together because i feel like i don’t want to live at all let alone without you.

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i love you and it fucking hurts.

what can i say?
how can i possibly say it’s okay?
nothing’s okay when we collide but nothing is okay when you’re not here and i wholeheartedly believe that your jaded shattered pieces were meant to fit mine
but sometimes, we shatter each other.
those jaded pieces become harder to fit together.
sometimes, lips that spoke words sweet like honey now spit on the love that we have built.
and how can i say it’s okay?
what do i say when my heart is bruised and hurting but loving you all the same?
my life without you looks black and white and i’m addicted to your vibrant colors but this addiction lets me ride our highs and makes me wallow in the lows
then the words that should’ve gone unspoken still echo in my mind.
sometimes i feel like i’m gasping for air and there’s no oxygen in sight.
no one makes my heart sing like you do but no one has ever held it so close and that fucking scares me to death because trust is a thin line and sometimes we resemble amateur tight rope walkers being thrust into the circus for the first time
an act so exhilarating, so life-changing
yet potentially lethal.

35+

you are there and i am here and
i remember when you sat across from me eating nine dollar noodles in a big metal bowl and the space around us was buzzing but the space between us was pure serenity infused with my sniffles that didn’t stop you from leaning in closer

you are there and i am here and
i daydream about the time you walked with me in the cool humid summer air with the light of the moon reflecting off of our glasses and we walked to the seven eleven for lottery tickets talking about what a luxury it would be to have millions but deep down i knew all i needed was you

you are there and i am here and
i cry because i am hunched over in the bathroom witnessing a meeting between yesterday’s dinner and my toilet for the third time this week and i burn with the fear of being sick forever but i know if you could you would be running your fingers down my back and holding my auburn hair in your callused hands whispering that if you could carry my pain you would break your own shoulders to let me feel peace

you are there and i am here and
it is the only seventy degree day of a bitter cold february and i am driving with my windows down as the unexpected spring breeze circles my face and caresses my hair and i feel youthful and lighter and zealous and carefree and my only regret is that you are not occupying the space to my right with your hand on my thigh and your lungs sharing the fresh air with mine

you are there and i am here and
i know it won’t be for long because suddenly i hear the thumps of poetry outside so i run into the air that is colder than i want it to be and down the black pavement i go because now you are here and i am here too and i know you’ve crossed gray waters and skyscrapers to lay eyes on my smile and then your arms hold me closer than anyone else has ever been to my heart and my soul is happy knowing

you are here and i am here and
my heart strings will always be stronger than the space in between us until they can pull you home to my body
forever

broken, mended, broken, mended, etc.

with my hand over my mouth, my eyes said it all. all of the words i could never say to you tore away at my spine and left me hunched over on the ground. i clutched my stomach, trying to fill the empty pit you left inside of me. my ribs collapsed…they must’ve grown tired of accommodating my rapid lungs. the ones once filled with your air, but now only occupied by gulps of your absence as you fill yours with clouds of delusion. every day is a battle between my mind and my heart for one knows who you are and the other fights for what you could be.

but my eyes don’t cry anymore.
you are here, and you are not.
you are standing next to me, but i don’t feel a presence.

the nostalgic piece of me will always long for you
but the better part of me will never allow you to kill me again.

i never liked the color red

my emotions make themselves known by pumping my blood faster and faster until my breath can’t keep up any longer and my head seems to forget its place during the day is under the sun, not rested on a pillow in my blackened room

my emotions spiral themselves around the bagel i brought myself to eat and i can’t help but wonder how it would be to live without an urge to reintroduce my finger to my throat and let them dance around for awhile

my family says to control my emotions but i keep letting my emotions control me until they burst out of my dirt-colored eyes, creating a muddy monsoon that sweeps up any sliver of hope and rushes it away with all of the people who tell me i’m a liability

maybe the problem is me because my days of the week pill container is full of chemical happiness but my heart remains empty, longing for the days when my nervous system did not rely on prescriptions to stay alive

as i resist the temptation to let my anger swallow me whole, my lilac manicured nails fight the urge to make drawings on my skin that has been broken too many times to remember

my emotions continue to control me
and i don’t want to remember any of it at all.

full circle

nine years old
plaid skirt, polo shirt, knees bent in the pew
worshipping something so ambiguous
my mind could not understand the unconditional love my god was suppose to bestow on me, because i had not seen it anywhere else
there was something oddly comforting about this, something i lost when my brain decided to turn inside out on itself

ten years later, i pass the pretty brick churches with the witty signs, and wonder if
maybe
i could belong there again, too

for my heart yearns for a sense of belonging but my scattered-brain and clawed up arms can’t imagine a community built on the foundation of faith wanting to accept someone who had lost that at the tender age of fourteen

i never thought my weary eyes and skepticism would want to find a god again
i don’t know how this journey looks for me but i can promise you, it will be on my terms this time around
i will not allow my experiences to make me hard.

sweet dreams

there is no scarier feeling than laying in a blackened room with nothing but my delusions to lay beside me
laying there thinking that my dreams will be heaven but here i am, stuck in purgatory
i am swallowed whole by the thought that my yesterdays were a daydream and my present is a nightmare
my future haunts me yet it’s all i want

staring at the swivel of the fan,
i lose all reality
i forget my favorite things and an all too familiar monster snuggles against me
here i am,
alone
yet with so much unwanted company

and with burdened eyes, i lye there unable to control the spirals
slowly, i fall into heaven

failure

it’s the one thing that makes even the most esteemed people shake like autumn leaves, ready to crumble
my bar is as high as the airplane in the sky i’d love to take to get away from myself
and if i’m not doing flips and leaps higher than it, i’d rather sink deep into an ocean full of all the things i do not want
i can do better.
i can always do better.
but what happens when better is never enough?
i fly to the moon, but all i see is that i didn’t explore the whole galaxy
and that’s all you see, too.

the lovely parasite

it snuck into my stomach
causing beautiful monarchs to flutter and never settle down
it crawled into my brain
making me stumble on my words and forget that there are any other humans in the world
finally, it slithered into my heart, controlling my entire body effortlessly
with every beat, happiness releases
but with happiness, comes pain
it’s almost parasitic, love
because once it’s there,
it’s almost impossible to get rid of
it’s worked it’s way into every nook and cranny of my body
it can be the best thing, and the worst thing
for if i have to be apart from the one i love
my heart may as well cease to beat

hopes, dreams, & haircuts

I’m losing my grip on everything I’ve ever held close, not sure how to grasp onto things that are slipping through my fingers like the crumbles of dirt from which the person I am becoming is growing

The temptation to cut off what is dragging me down and watch it fall to the floor with six inch locks of my fiery hair is consuming me more than any heartbreak ever did. To finally have control over something in my life would be my greatest feat, even if it’s just for a moment.

It is difficult to understand how I can mourn my old self and also long to make everything new. To start over, forget who I am and focus on who I am becoming. I don’t know how to live a life of self-love, but God knows I’m trying. This October, I hope I can look in the mirror and smile, knowing I’m well on my way to a happy heart and some semblance of bliss.