i never liked the color red

my emotions make themselves known by pumping my blood faster and faster until my breath can’t keep up any longer and my head seems to forget its place during the day is under the sun, not rested on a pillow in my blackened room

my emotions spiral themselves around the bagel i brought myself to eat and i can’t help but wonder how it would be to live without an urge to reintroduce my finger to my throat and let them dance around for awhile

my family says to control my emotions but i keep letting my emotions control me until they burst out of my dirt-colored eyes, creating a muddy monsoon that sweeps up any sliver of hope and rushes it away with all of the people who tell me i’m a liability

maybe the problem is me because my days of the week pill container is full of chemical happiness but my heart remains empty, longing for the days when my nervous system did not rely on prescriptions to stay alive

as i resist the temptation to let my anger swallow me whole, my lilac manicured nails fight the urge to make drawings on my skin that has been broken too many times to remember

my emotions continue to control me
and i don’t want to remember any of it at all.

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“what’s yours, is mine”

laying in your low-lit room,
engulfed by your arms and your company
i hold onto you as my heart starts beating like claps of thunder
faster and harder as the storm begins
my breath quickens, in competition with my heart
shallow and starved
i am drowning in myself
the cruel reality leaves my lips and sticks in your mind
you hold me
running your fingers through my shaking hands
kissing my forehead, wiping my tears
my tears turn from ones of fear to ones of awe
we fall asleep intertwined and i wish
i could stay here
forever

—his first glimpse at my anxiety