my insides are twisting my eyes are raw i want to throw up oh god i’m gonna throw up i hate myself i hate the mistakes i’ve made i hate the mistakes he’s made i hate not knowing if we’ll ever walk the same path again or if we’ll ever sit by the river again oh god i hate myself but i need to protect myself but i need him i love him i hate our fights i don’t know what’s worse feeling so empty or feeling so small oh god am i overreacting i must be overreacting if he thinks we should be okay i always make everything into a bigger deal than it needs to be but do i or am i just tired of being crushed tired of questioning myself can two people in love actually not be together because i feel like i don’t want to live at all let alone without you.
with my hand over my mouth, my eyes said it all. all of the words i could never say to you tore away at my spine and left me hunched over on the ground. i clutched my stomach, trying to fill the empty pit you left inside of me. my ribs collapsed…they must’ve grown tired of accommodating my rapid lungs. the ones once filled with your air, but now only occupied by gulps of your absence as you fill yours with clouds of delusion. every day is a battle between my mind and my heart for one knows who you are and the other fights for what you could be.
but my eyes don’t cry anymore.
you are here, and you are not.
you are standing next to me, but i don’t feel a presence.
the nostalgic piece of me will always long for you
but the better part of me will never allow you to kill me again.
my emotions make themselves known by pumping my blood faster and faster until my breath can’t keep up any longer and my head seems to forget its place during the day is under the sun, not rested on a pillow in my blackened room
my emotions spiral themselves around the bagel i brought myself to eat and i can’t help but wonder how it would be to live without an urge to reintroduce my finger to my throat and let them dance around for awhile
my family says to control my emotions but i keep letting my emotions control me until they burst out of my dirt-colored eyes, creating a muddy monsoon that sweeps up any sliver of hope and rushes it away with all of the people who tell me i’m a liability
maybe the problem is me because my days of the week pill container is full of chemical happiness but my heart remains empty, longing for the days when my nervous system did not rely on prescriptions to stay alive
as i resist the temptation to let my anger swallow me whole, my lilac manicured nails fight the urge to make drawings on my skin that has been broken too many times to remember
my emotions continue to control me
and i don’t want to remember any of it at all.
laying in your low-lit room,
engulfed by your arms and your company
i hold onto you as my heart starts beating like claps of thunder
faster and harder as the storm begins
my breath quickens, in competition with my heart
shallow and starved
i am drowning in myself
the cruel reality leaves my lips and sticks in your mind
you hold me
running your fingers through my shaking hands
kissing my forehead, wiping my tears
my tears turn from ones of fear to ones of awe
we fall asleep intertwined and i wish
i could stay here
—his first glimpse at my anxiety