i never liked the color red

my emotions make themselves known by pumping my blood faster and faster until my breath can’t keep up any longer and my head seems to forget its place during the day is under the sun, not rested on a pillow in my blackened room

my emotions spiral themselves around the bagel i brought myself to eat and i can’t help but wonder how it would be to live without an urge to reintroduce my finger to my throat and let them dance around for awhile

my family says to control my emotions but i keep letting my emotions control me until they burst out of my dirt-colored eyes, creating a muddy monsoon that sweeps up any sliver of hope and rushes it away with all of the people who tell me i’m a liability

maybe the problem is me because my days of the week pill container is full of chemical happiness but my heart remains empty, longing for the days when my nervous system did not rely on prescriptions to stay alive

as i resist the temptation to let my anger swallow me whole, my lilac manicured nails fight the urge to make drawings on my skin that has been broken too many times to remember

my emotions continue to control me
and i don’t want to remember any of it at all.

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full circle

nine years old
plaid skirt, polo shirt, knees bent in the pew
worshipping something so ambiguous
my mind could not understand the unconditional love my god was suppose to bestow on me, because i had not seen it anywhere else
there was something oddly comforting about this, something i lost when my brain decided to turn inside out on itself

ten years later, i pass the pretty brick churches with the witty signs, and wonder if
maybe
i could belong there again, too

for my heart yearns for a sense of belonging but my scattered-brain and clawed up arms can’t imagine a community built on the foundation of faith wanting to accept someone who had lost that at the tender age of fourteen

i never thought my weary eyes and skepticism would want to find a god again
i don’t know how this journey looks for me but i can promise you, it will be on my terms this time around
i will not allow my experiences to make me hard.

sweet dreams

there is no scarier feeling than laying in a blackened room with nothing but my delusions to lay beside me
laying there thinking that my dreams will be heaven but here i am, stuck in purgatory
i am swallowed whole by the thought that my yesterdays were a daydream and my present is a nightmare
my future haunts me yet it’s all i want

staring at the swivel of the fan,
i lose all reality
i forget my favorite things and an all too familiar monster snuggles against me
here i am,
alone
yet with so much unwanted company

and with burdened eyes, i lye there unable to control the spirals
slowly, i fall into heaven

failure

it’s the one thing that makes even the most esteemed people shake like autumn leaves, ready to crumble
my bar is as high as the airplane in the sky i’d love to take to get away from myself
and if i’m not doing flips and leaps higher than it, i’d rather sink deep into an ocean full of all the things i do not want
i can do better.
i can always do better.
but what happens when better is never enough?
i fly to the moon, but all i see is that i didn’t explore the whole galaxy
and that’s all you see, too.

the lovely parasite

it snuck into my stomach
causing beautiful monarchs to flutter and never settle down
it crawled into my brain
making me stumble on my words and forget that there are any other humans in the world
finally, it slithered into my heart, controlling my entire body effortlessly
with every beat, happiness releases
but with happiness, comes pain
it’s almost parasitic, love
because once it’s there,
it’s almost impossible to get rid of
it’s worked it’s way into every nook and cranny of my body
it can be the best thing, and the worst thing
for if i have to be apart from the one i love
my heart may as well cease to beat

hopes, dreams, & haircuts

I’m losing my grip on everything I’ve ever held close, not sure how to grasp onto things that are slipping through my fingers like the crumbles of dirt from which the person I am becoming is growing

The temptation to cut off what is dragging me down and watch it fall to the floor with six inch locks of my fiery hair is consuming me more than any heartbreak ever did. To finally have control over something in my life would be my greatest feat, even if it’s just for a moment.

It is difficult to understand how I can mourn my old self and also long to make everything new. To start over, forget who I am and focus on who I am becoming. I don’t know how to live a life of self-love, but God knows I’m trying. This October, I hope I can look in the mirror and smile, knowing I’m well on my way to a happy heart and some semblance of bliss.

distance no. 2

there is a beautiful river around the bend
i sit and stare at its relaxed waves, crashing like the soft whispers he and i have shared here
this is where it all began

i remember the night sitting under the stars, a chilly wind caressing my body while he slipped his arm around my back
and i think about how i leaned onto his shoulder
before i knew it, his lips were on mine and my heart was dancing
actually, it still hasn’t stopped

i think about sitting in this same spot and giggling with pizza-filled bellies, when he tells me about his old home on the small street with the park at the end, how he wants to take me there

there we were again, sitting under the dazzling stars, talking about the things that make us cry
he looks over at the flowing river, moonlight reflecting on the dark calm waters, when he turns his hazel eyes to mine
he looks at me like his whole world is in front of him and tells me he’s been falling
that he’s fell
he whispers those three words in my ear and tears start falling down my beaming face, caressing my cheeks like the cold breeze that first night

and now i sit here, and i’ve returned those words thousands of times to his patient ears
but i can’t help but think about how this beautiful river where our love blossomed
is also the water
that separates us

the void

i look for you in everyone i see
but i’ll never find you

i look for kind eyes
pure souls
and empathetic words
for this is everything you are not

i don’t know how i’m longing for something i never had
but my heart aches every moment of every day, waiting for you to be what i know you should
but never will be

so i walk alone
but am i really alone?
i have so many who fiercely love me
but all i feel
is that you do not

distance no. 1

sometimes i run towards you with a mile wide grin
but when i reach you
i keep running

you stand there
lonely and confused
watching me run into the desert must be terrifying

but just know
i will always come back to you

my mother’s daughter

every time your words pierce my fragile mind, i find myself six years old again. staring at my thighs and wondering why they can’t look like yours
why i can’t be what you want

you have a funny way of pushing me away, then dragging me back into your twisted games, your crooked lies. i never wanted to see that the most lethal danger to my peace has been you

but yet again, i am taken back to when i am nine years old
and you don’t allow me an ice cream cone
not really a big deal, except i watch my friends eat guiltlessly as i sit staring at my thighs wishing i could burn them away

and now i think to myself, it’s always been the same with you.

because now i am thirteen years old and i step on that ruthless black pit every morning like clockwork
the digits burn into my mind, as i cry because another tenth of a pound is going to make me lose you

but i never had you, did i? i was always asking for things you couldn’t give
how selfish of me
unconditional love is too much to ask

and now, six years later and i find myself hunched over in the bathroom, doors locked, eyes watery, red scratches on my thighs
my finger has found a home in my throat and i think about how i could never find a home in you, and never will.