i love you and it fucking hurts.

what can i say?
how can i possibly say it’s okay?
nothing’s okay when we collide but nothing is okay when you’re not here and i wholeheartedly believe that your jaded shattered pieces were meant to fit mine
but sometimes, we shatter each other.
those jaded pieces become harder to fit together.
sometimes, lips that spoke words sweet like honey now spit on the love that we have built.
and how can i say it’s okay?
what do i say when my heart is bruised and hurting but loving you all the same?
my life without you looks black and white and i’m addicted to your vibrant colors but this addiction lets me ride our highs and makes me wallow in the lows
then the words that should’ve gone unspoken still echo in my mind.
sometimes i feel like i’m gasping for air and there’s no oxygen in sight.
no one makes my heart sing like you do but no one has ever held it so close and that fucking scares me to death because trust is a thin line and sometimes we resemble amateur tight rope walkers being thrust into the circus for the first time
an act so exhilarating, so life-changing
yet potentially lethal.

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35+

you are there and i am here and
i remember when you sat across from me eating nine dollar noodles in a big metal bowl and the space around us was buzzing but the space between us was pure serenity infused with my sniffles that didn’t stop you from leaning in closer

you are there and i am here and
i daydream about the time you walked with me in the cool humid summer air with the light of the moon reflecting off of our glasses and we walked to the seven eleven for lottery tickets talking about what a luxury it would be to have millions but deep down i knew all i needed was you

you are there and i am here and
i cry because i am hunched over in the bathroom witnessing a meeting between yesterday’s dinner and my toilet for the third time this week and i burn with the fear of being sick forever but i know if you could you would be running your fingers down my back and holding my auburn hair in your callused hands whispering that if you could carry my pain you would break your own shoulders to let me feel peace

you are there and i am here and
it is the only seventy degree day of a bitter cold february and i am driving with my windows down as the unexpected spring breeze circles my face and caresses my hair and i feel youthful and lighter and zealous and carefree and my only regret is that you are not occupying the space to my right with your hand on my thigh and your lungs sharing the fresh air with mine

you are there and i am here and
i know it won’t be for long because suddenly i hear the thumps of poetry outside so i run into the air that is colder than i want it to be and down the black pavement i go because now you are here and i am here too and i know you’ve crossed gray waters and skyscrapers to lay eyes on my smile and then your arms hold me closer than anyone else has ever been to my heart and my soul is happy knowing

you are here and i am here and
my heart strings will always be stronger than the space in between us until they can pull you home to my body
forever

distance no. 2

there is a beautiful river around the bend
i sit and stare at its relaxed waves, crashing like the soft whispers he and i have shared here
this is where it all began

i remember the night sitting under the stars, a chilly wind caressing my body while he slipped his arm around my back
and i think about how i leaned onto his shoulder
before i knew it, his lips were on mine and my heart was dancing
actually, it still hasn’t stopped

i think about sitting in this same spot and giggling with pizza-filled bellies, when he tells me about his old home on the small street with the park at the end, how he wants to take me there

there we were again, sitting under the dazzling stars, talking about the things that make us cry
he looks over at the flowing river, moonlight reflecting on the dark calm waters, when he turns his hazel eyes to mine
he looks at me like his whole world is in front of him and tells me he’s been falling
that he’s fell
he whispers those three words in my ear and tears start falling down my beaming face, caressing my cheeks like the cold breeze that first night

and now i sit here, and i’ve returned those words thousands of times to his patient ears
but i can’t help but think about how this beautiful river where our love blossomed
is also the water
that separates us

distance no. 1

sometimes i run towards you with a mile wide grin
but when i reach you
i keep running

you stand there
lonely and confused
watching me run into the desert must be terrifying

but just know
i will always come back to you

worth it.

the heartbreak and pain
were not accidents
for they led me down a narrow trail
accompanied by old monsters
lonely and shattered,
i fought them off

there i was,
winding through the forest and crawling through the gravel
torn up

on an isolated and dangerous path
that led me right to you
and to myself

6/25

i fell in love with the way time stops when we are together, like love is an ocean and we are drowning in it, only able to hear the muffled sounds of life above the water.
i fell in love with how you promise to help me conquer the rainstorms in my head, because you don’t want me to fight these battles on my own.
i fell in love with the way your eyes gaze at me with sincerity, the way they light up when you talk about your future and how it now includes me.
i fell in love with your quirkiness and your dorkiness, the kind that brings out the child in me and makes me want to laugh with you forever.
i fell in love with the way you kiss me, soft yet passionate, but innocent and filled with fire.
i fell in love with the way we found each other, peeling back layers so gingerly until we were both raw and vulnerable, two transparent bodies with beautiful souls.
I fell in love with your resilience, because god knows you’ve moved mountains; now, you don’t have to move them alone.
i fell in love, and you caught me.
and i promise i’ll never leave your arms.

recovery

i use to swing along the line of life and death in my mind
teetering with reasons to stay and reasons to go

how could i ever think such thoughts when there are sunsets that make even the most pessimistic of people stop to gaze,
with hues of orange and pink and lilac
covering the horizon in swirls and gradients so beautiful that only the naked eye can capture its true essence

how could i ever think such thoughts when there are sunday mornings filled with pancakes and my father in a small café
hearing the clinking of coffee mugs and the strange yet familiar laughter of strangers

how could i ever think such thoughts when there are beaches with velvety sand and a symphony made up of gawking birds and the sound of the ocean kissing the shore,
filled with naps in the scorching sun and the reading of new novels that have been left in my bookcase for months

how could i ever think such thoughts when there are soft kisses and passionate kisses laced together with sweet smiles and the whisper of “i love you”, leaving even the most grounded of people up in the clouds

the sad thing is,
i know exactly how i could think such thoughts
because they once took up all of the vacancies in my mind
they are unwelcome visitors that still bang on my door from time to time

to the broken:
i hear you,
i see you
i will hold your hand until you see light again, just as people have done for me
and i will walk with you until the heaviness turns to feathers of hope

rebirth

When I’m with you, there are never enough hours in the day.
Every minute we are together passes like a bolt of lightning during a humid summer storm,
and every second is gone as fast as my heart after you ran away with it.

You’ve picked weeds from my brain and turned them into sunflowers, planting them with beautiful words and nurturing them with your gentle spirit.

No one can make tears of happiness fall from my eyes like you can, or make me want to leave my perfect little town to be a part of yours.

You’ve helped me find myself, and with each self-discovery, I find a little piece of you, too.
The gaping holes of despair and bitterness that use to cover my soul have been filled so lovingly by your caring heart.

Like a stunning mosaic glued together with pinky promises and childish giggles, I am whole again.
I will never stop being so captivated by what we’ve built together.
Our broken pieces bonded together so effortlessly, and I can’t wait to keep creating artwork
with you.

my love

your voice makes me happier than my favorite song, and your eyes make me want to live in a house of mirrors

you make me feel like a child without a care, happy and living in the moment
no one can make my heart flutter like you do
and i wouldn’t want them to
because my heart is yours

your kiss drowns me like a tsunami and i don’t wait to come up for air

and when i wear my heart on my sleeve you guard it like a precious jewel
i don’t know if you know how much you mean to me

when we fight it feels like my world stops spinning because
you are the center of it
and i wouldn’t have it any other way

your soul is the most beautiful I’ve ever known
and you care about every ounce of me

how rare is it to find someone who loves all my imperfections

i’m so grateful i found my forever in you