my insides are twisting my eyes are raw i want to throw up oh god i’m gonna throw up i hate myself i hate the mistakes i’ve made i hate the mistakes he’s made i hate not knowing if we’ll ever walk the same path again or if we’ll ever sit by the river again oh god i hate myself but i need to protect myself but i need him i love him i hate our fights i don’t know what’s worse feeling so empty or feeling so small oh god am i overreacting i must be overreacting if he thinks we should be okay i always make everything into a bigger deal than it needs to be but do i or am i just tired of being crushed tired of questioning myself can two people in love actually not be together because i feel like i don’t want to live at all let alone without you.
what can i say?
how can i possibly say it’s okay?
nothing’s okay when we collide but nothing is okay when you’re not here and i wholeheartedly believe that your jaded shattered pieces were meant to fit mine
but sometimes, we shatter each other.
those jaded pieces become harder to fit together.
sometimes, lips that spoke words sweet like honey now spit on the love that we have built.
and how can i say it’s okay?
what do i say when my heart is bruised and hurting but loving you all the same?
my life without you looks black and white and i’m addicted to your vibrant colors but this addiction lets me ride our highs and makes me wallow in the lows
then the words that should’ve gone unspoken still echo in my mind.
sometimes i feel like i’m gasping for air and there’s no oxygen in sight.
no one makes my heart sing like you do but no one has ever held it so close and that fucking scares me to death because trust is a thin line and sometimes we resemble amateur tight rope walkers being thrust into the circus for the first time
an act so exhilarating, so life-changing
yet potentially lethal.
how far away is the moon / never mind / i know i love you ten times longer / i don’t know how many stars rest in the blackness / but i understand that you are brighter than them all / a celestial body / no gravity / no air for my lungs / you are all i need
it snuck into my stomach
causing beautiful monarchs to flutter and never settle down
it crawled into my brain
making me stumble on my words and forget that there are any other humans in the world
finally, it slithered into my heart, controlling my entire body effortlessly
with every beat, happiness releases
but with happiness, comes pain
it’s almost parasitic, love
because once it’s there,
it’s almost impossible to get rid of
it’s worked it’s way into every nook and cranny of my body
it can be the best thing, and the worst thing
for if i have to be apart from the one i love
my heart may as well cease to beat
there is a beautiful river around the bend
i sit and stare at its relaxed waves, crashing like the soft whispers he and i have shared here
this is where it all began
i remember the night sitting under the stars, a chilly wind caressing my body while he slipped his arm around my back
and i think about how i leaned onto his shoulder
before i knew it, his lips were on mine and my heart was dancing
actually, it still hasn’t stopped
i think about sitting in this same spot and giggling with pizza-filled bellies, when he tells me about his old home on the small street with the park at the end, how he wants to take me there
there we were again, sitting under the dazzling stars, talking about the things that make us cry
he looks over at the flowing river, moonlight reflecting on the dark calm waters, when he turns his hazel eyes to mine
he looks at me like his whole world is in front of him and tells me he’s been falling
that he’s fell
he whispers those three words in my ear and tears start falling down my beaming face, caressing my cheeks like the cold breeze that first night
and now i sit here, and i’ve returned those words thousands of times to his patient ears
but i can’t help but think about how this beautiful river where our love blossomed
is also the water
that separates us
sometimes i run towards you with a mile wide grin
but when i reach you
i keep running
you stand there
lonely and confused
watching me run into the desert must be terrifying
but just know
i will always come back to you
i want you to know that hurting you
hurt me too
and having your tears dampen my tshirt
drowned my heart deep in regret
i want you to know that when it’s all said and done
your arms are the only ones i want to be wrapped so tightly in that i feel your heart beat against mine
your eyes are the only ones i want to gaze at forever in comfortable silence
your lips are the only ones i want to kiss in new places to commemorate adventures
i want you to know that
your hands are the only ones i want to have a secret handshake with while exchanging goofy grins
your smile is the only one i want to wake up to, and the only one that makes my heart flutter
your voice is the only one i want to hear on replay so i can soak in every word
and your soul is the only one i have admired so deeply and so truly
i want you to know
that i’m captivated by you
and i need you to know
that i love you always
——-love conquers all
the heartbreak and pain
were not accidents
for they led me down a narrow trail
accompanied by old monsters
lonely and shattered,
i fought them off
there i was,
winding through the forest and crawling through the gravel
on an isolated and dangerous path
that led me right to you
and to myself
like how the sun always meets the horizon
and the ocean always kisses the sand
i will never have enough of you
i fell in love with the way time stops when we are together, like love is an ocean and we are drowning in it, only able to hear the muffled sounds of life above the water.
i fell in love with how you promise to help me conquer the rainstorms in my head, because you don’t want me to fight these battles on my own.
i fell in love with the way your eyes gaze at me with sincerity, the way they light up when you talk about your future and how it now includes me.
i fell in love with your quirkiness and your dorkiness, the kind that brings out the child in me and makes me want to laugh with you forever.
i fell in love with the way you kiss me, soft yet passionate, but innocent and filled with fire.
i fell in love with the way we found each other, peeling back layers so gingerly until we were both raw and vulnerable, two transparent bodies with beautiful souls.
I fell in love with your resilience, because god knows you’ve moved mountains; now, you don’t have to move them alone.
i fell in love, and you caught me.
and i promise i’ll never leave your arms.