full circle

nine years old
plaid skirt, polo shirt, knees bent in the pew
worshipping something so ambiguous
my mind could not understand the unconditional love my god was suppose to bestow on me, because i had not seen it anywhere else
there was something oddly comforting about this, something i lost when my brain decided to turn inside out on itself

ten years later, i pass the pretty brick churches with the witty signs, and wonder if
maybe
i could belong there again, too

for my heart yearns for a sense of belonging but my scattered-brain and clawed up arms can’t imagine a community built on the foundation of faith wanting to accept someone who had lost that at the tender age of fourteen

i never thought my weary eyes and skepticism would want to find a god again
i don’t know how this journey looks for me but i can promise you, it will be on my terms this time around
i will not allow my experiences to make me hard.

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