my insides are twisting my eyes are raw i want to throw up oh god i’m gonna throw up i hate myself i hate the mistakes i’ve made i hate the mistakes he’s made i hate not knowing if we’ll ever walk the same path again or if we’ll ever sit by the river again oh god i hate myself but i need to protect myself but i need him i love him i hate our fights i don’t know what’s worse feeling so empty or feeling so small oh god am i overreacting i must be overreacting if he thinks we should be okay i always make everything into a bigger deal than it needs to be but do i or am i just tired of being crushed tired of questioning myself can two people in love actually not be together because i feel like i don’t want to live at all let alone without you.
what can i say?
how can i possibly say it’s okay?
nothing’s okay when we collide but nothing is okay when you’re not here and i wholeheartedly believe that your jaded shattered pieces were meant to fit mine
but sometimes, we shatter each other.
those jaded pieces become harder to fit together.
sometimes, lips that spoke words sweet like honey now spit on the love that we have built.
and how can i say it’s okay?
what do i say when my heart is bruised and hurting but loving you all the same?
my life without you looks black and white and i’m addicted to your vibrant colors but this addiction lets me ride our highs and makes me wallow in the lows
then the words that should’ve gone unspoken still echo in my mind.
sometimes i feel like i’m gasping for air and there’s no oxygen in sight.
no one makes my heart sing like you do but no one has ever held it so close and that fucking scares me to death because trust is a thin line and sometimes we resemble amateur tight rope walkers being thrust into the circus for the first time
an act so exhilarating, so life-changing
yet potentially lethal.
with my hand over my mouth, my eyes said it all. all of the words i could never say to you tore away at my spine and left me hunched over on the ground. i clutched my stomach, trying to fill the empty pit you left inside of me. my ribs collapsed…they must’ve grown tired of accommodating my rapid lungs. the ones once filled with your air, but now only occupied by gulps of your absence as you fill yours with clouds of delusion. every day is a battle between my mind and my heart for one knows who you are and the other fights for what you could be.
but my eyes don’t cry anymore.
you are here, and you are not.
you are standing next to me, but i don’t feel a presence.
the nostalgic piece of me will always long for you
but the better part of me will never allow you to kill me again.
my mind can’t understand how my heart can feel so much pain but feel nothing at all / my heart can’t understand how my mind can make my whole body want to quit / all the heart wants is to keep me alive and it fights for me / but / i don’t understand why the universe has the funniest way of torturing me when I crave peace the most / it’s as if i am drowning fighting death on the bottom of the ocean but all you see are coral sunsets and calm waters while you breath perfect salty air / you don’t see me / you’re blessed with beautiful eyes but they are blind
as i find my eyelids weighing heavier than the thoughts on my mind, i wish i could make it all stop. not in the way you might think. sometimes in that way, but mostly in the way that would give me a break from my emptiness without anyone knowing i needed a break. it was hard to feel and wail and gulp back my tears but it’s even harder to feel numbness consume my heart. i haven’t written lately. not because i haven’t been craving it but because the words don’t come as easily anymore. for someone who uses poetry to empty out the damaging thoughts, this is an unspeakable loss. but right now i don’t want that permanent break i sometimes think about…i hope i find my light again soon.
my emotions make themselves known by pumping my blood faster and faster until my breath can’t keep up any longer and my head seems to forget its place during the day is under the sun, not rested on a pillow in my blackened room
my emotions spiral themselves around the bagel i brought myself to eat and i can’t help but wonder how it would be to live without an urge to reintroduce my finger to my throat and let them dance around for awhile
my family says to control my emotions but i keep letting my emotions control me until they burst out of my dirt-colored eyes, creating a muddy monsoon that sweeps up any sliver of hope and rushes it away with all of the people who tell me i’m a liability
maybe the problem is me because my days of the week pill container is full of chemical happiness but my heart remains empty, longing for the days when my nervous system did not rely on prescriptions to stay alive
as i resist the temptation to let my anger swallow me whole, my lilac manicured nails fight the urge to make drawings on my skin that has been broken too many times to remember
my emotions continue to control me
and i don’t want to remember any of it at all.
i look for you in everyone i see
but i’ll never find you
i look for kind eyes
and empathetic words
for this is everything you are not
i don’t know how i’m longing for something i never had
but my heart aches every moment of every day, waiting for you to be what i know you should
but never will be
so i walk alone
but am i really alone?
i have so many who fiercely love me
but all i feel
is that you do not
every time your words pierce my fragile mind, i find myself six years old again. staring at my thighs and wondering why they can’t look like yours
why i can’t be what you want
you have a funny way of pushing me away, then dragging me back into your twisted games, your crooked lies. i never wanted to see that the most lethal danger to my peace has been you
but yet again, i am taken back to when i am nine years old
and you don’t allow me an ice cream cone
not really a big deal, except i watch my friends eat guiltlessly as i sit staring at my thighs wishing i could burn them away
and now i think to myself, it’s always been the same with you.
because now i am thirteen years old and i step on that ruthless black pit every morning like clockwork
the digits burn into my mind, as i cry because another tenth of a pound is going to make me lose you
but i never had you, did i? i was always asking for things you couldn’t give
how selfish of me
unconditional love is too much to ask
and now, six years later and i find myself hunched over in the bathroom, doors locked, eyes watery, red scratches on my thighs
my finger has found a home in my throat and i think about how i could never find a home in you, and never will.
it’s like i am trained to run a marathon, yet can’t make it past the first mile
days that use to pass like fleeting happiness now move as slowly as my mind trying to figure out how i can have everything yet feel nothing
i am told to overcome what is happening
but how do i heal from the pain of what isn’t?