you are there and i am here and
i remember when you sat across from me eating nine dollar noodles in a big metal bowl and the space around us was buzzing but the space between us was pure serenity infused with my sniffles that didn’t stop you from leaning in closer

you are there and i am here and
i daydream about the time you walked with me in the cool humid summer air with the light of the moon reflecting off of our glasses and we walked to the seven eleven for lottery tickets talking about what a luxury it would be to have millions but deep down i knew all i needed was you

you are there and i am here and
i cry because i am hunched over in the bathroom witnessing a meeting between yesterday’s dinner and my toilet for the third time this week and i burn with the fear of being sick forever but i know if you could you would be running your fingers down my back and holding my auburn hair in your callused hands whispering that if you could carry my pain you would break your own shoulders to let me feel peace

you are there and i am here and
it is the only seventy degree day of a bitter cold february and i am driving with my windows down as the unexpected spring breeze circles my face and caresses my hair and i feel youthful and lighter and zealous and carefree and my only regret is that you are not occupying the space to my right with your hand on my thigh and your lungs sharing the fresh air with mine

you are there and i am here and
i know it won’t be for long because suddenly i hear the thumps of poetry outside so i run into the air that is colder than i want it to be and down the black pavement i go because now you are here and i am here too and i know you’ve crossed gray waters and skyscrapers to lay eyes on my smile and then your arms hold me closer than anyone else has ever been to my heart and my soul is happy knowing

you are here and i am here and
my heart strings will always be stronger than the space in between us until they can pull you home to my body


broken, mended, broken, mended, etc.

with my hand over my mouth, my eyes said it all. all of the words i could never say to you tore away at my spine and left me hunched over on the ground. i clutched my stomach, trying to fill the empty pit you left inside of me. my ribs collapsed…they must’ve grown tired of accommodating my rapid lungs. the ones once filled with your air, but now only occupied by gulps of your absence as you fill yours with clouds of delusion. every day is a battle between my mind and my heart for one knows who you are and the other fights for what you could be.

but my eyes don’t cry anymore.
you are here, and you are not.
you are standing next to me, but i don’t feel a presence.

the nostalgic piece of me will always long for you
but the better part of me will never allow you to kill me again.

you saw it all. i know you did.

my mind can’t understand how my heart can feel so much pain but feel nothing at all / my heart can’t understand how my mind can make my whole body want to quit / all the heart wants is to keep me alive and it fights for me / but / i don’t understand why the universe has the funniest way of torturing me when I crave peace the most / it’s as if i am drowning fighting death on the bottom of the ocean but all you see are coral sunsets and calm waters while you breath perfect salty air / you don’t see me / you’re blessed with beautiful eyes but they are blind

i’ve let these words live in my head for too long

as i find my eyelids weighing heavier than the thoughts on my mind, i wish i could make it all stop. not in the way you might think. sometimes in that way, but mostly in the way that would give me a break from my emptiness without anyone knowing i needed a break. it was hard to feel and wail and gulp back my tears but it’s even harder to feel numbness consume my heart. i haven’t written lately. not because i haven’t been craving it but because the words don’t come as easily anymore. for someone who uses poetry to empty out the damaging thoughts, this is an unspeakable loss. but right now i don’t want that permanent break i sometimes think about…i hope i find my light again soon.

i never liked the color red

my emotions make themselves known by pumping my blood faster and faster until my breath can’t keep up any longer and my head seems to forget its place during the day is under the sun, not rested on a pillow in my blackened room

my emotions spiral themselves around the bagel i brought myself to eat and i can’t help but wonder how it would be to live without an urge to reintroduce my finger to my throat and let them dance around for awhile

my family says to control my emotions but i keep letting my emotions control me until they burst out of my dirt-colored eyes, creating a muddy monsoon that sweeps up any sliver of hope and rushes it away with all of the people who tell me i’m a liability

maybe the problem is me because my days of the week pill container is full of chemical happiness but my heart remains empty, longing for the days when my nervous system did not rely on prescriptions to stay alive

as i resist the temptation to let my anger swallow me whole, my lilac manicured nails fight the urge to make drawings on my skin that has been broken too many times to remember

my emotions continue to control me
and i don’t want to remember any of it at all.

sweet dreams

there is no scarier feeling than laying in a blackened room with nothing but my delusions to lay beside me
laying there thinking that my dreams will be heaven but here i am, stuck in purgatory
i am swallowed whole by the thought that my yesterdays were a daydream and my present is a nightmare
my future haunts me yet it’s all i want

staring at the swivel of the fan,
i lose all reality
i forget my favorite things and an all too familiar monster snuggles against me
here i am,
yet with so much unwanted company

and with burdened eyes, i lye there unable to control the spirals
slowly, i fall into heaven


it’s the one thing that makes even the most esteemed people shake like autumn leaves, ready to crumble
my bar is as high as the airplane in the sky i’d love to take to get away from myself
and if i’m not doing flips and leaps higher than it, i’d rather sink deep into an ocean full of all the things i do not want
i can do better.
i can always do better.
but what happens when better is never enough?
i fly to the moon, but all i see is that i didn’t explore the whole galaxy
and that’s all you see, too.

the void

i look for you in everyone i see
but i’ll never find you

i look for kind eyes
pure souls
and empathetic words
for this is everything you are not

i don’t know how i’m longing for something i never had
but my heart aches every moment of every day, waiting for you to be what i know you should
but never will be

so i walk alone
but am i really alone?
i have so many who fiercely love me
but all i feel
is that you do not

distance no. 1

sometimes i run towards you with a mile wide grin
but when i reach you
i keep running

you stand there
lonely and confused
watching me run into the desert must be terrifying

but just know
i will always come back to you

my mother’s daughter

every time your words pierce my fragile mind, i find myself six years old again. staring at my thighs and wondering why they can’t look like yours
why i can’t be what you want

you have a funny way of pushing me away, then dragging me back into your twisted games, your crooked lies. i never wanted to see that the most lethal danger to my peace has been you

but yet again, i am taken back to when i am nine years old
and you don’t allow me an ice cream cone
not really a big deal, except i watch my friends eat guiltlessly as i sit staring at my thighs wishing i could burn them away

and now i think to myself, it’s always been the same with you.

because now i am thirteen years old and i step on that ruthless black pit every morning like clockwork
the digits burn into my mind, as i cry because another tenth of a pound is going to make me lose you

but i never had you, did i? i was always asking for things you couldn’t give
how selfish of me
unconditional love is too much to ask

and now, six years later and i find myself hunched over in the bathroom, doors locked, eyes watery, red scratches on my thighs
my finger has found a home in my throat and i think about how i could never find a home in you, and never will.