racing thoughts.

my insides are twisting my eyes are raw i want to throw up oh god i’m gonna throw up i hate myself i hate the mistakes i’ve made i hate the mistakes he’s made i hate not knowing if we’ll ever walk the same path again or if we’ll ever sit by the river again oh god i hate myself but i need to protect myself but i need him i love him i hate our fights i don’t know what’s worse feeling so empty or feeling so small oh god am i overreacting i must be overreacting if he thinks we should be okay i always make everything into a bigger deal than it needs to be but do i or am i just tired of being crushed tired of questioning myself can two people in love actually not be together because i feel like i don’t want to live at all let alone without you.

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i love you and it fucking hurts.

what can i say?
how can i possibly say it’s okay?
nothing’s okay when we collide but nothing is okay when you’re not here and i wholeheartedly believe that your jaded shattered pieces were meant to fit mine
but sometimes, we shatter each other.
those jaded pieces become harder to fit together.
sometimes, lips that spoke words sweet like honey now spit on the love that we have built.
and how can i say it’s okay?
what do i say when my heart is bruised and hurting but loving you all the same?
my life without you looks black and white and i’m addicted to your vibrant colors but this addiction lets me ride our highs and makes me wallow in the lows
then the words that should’ve gone unspoken still echo in my mind.
sometimes i feel like i’m gasping for air and there’s no oxygen in sight.
no one makes my heart sing like you do but no one has ever held it so close and that fucking scares me to death because trust is a thin line and sometimes we resemble amateur tight rope walkers being thrust into the circus for the first time
an act so exhilarating, so life-changing
yet potentially lethal.

broken, mended, broken, mended, etc.

with my hand over my mouth, my eyes said it all. all of the words i could never say to you tore away at my spine and left me hunched over on the ground. i clutched my stomach, trying to fill the empty pit you left inside of me. my ribs collapsed…they must’ve grown tired of accommodating my rapid lungs. the ones once filled with your air, but now only occupied by gulps of your absence as you fill yours with clouds of delusion. every day is a battle between my mind and my heart for one knows who you are and the other fights for what you could be.

but my eyes don’t cry anymore.
you are here, and you are not.
you are standing next to me, but i don’t feel a presence.

the nostalgic piece of me will always long for you
but the better part of me will never allow you to kill me again.

you saw it all. i know you did.

my mind can’t understand how my heart can feel so much pain but feel nothing at all / my heart can’t understand how my mind can make my whole body want to quit / all the heart wants is to keep me alive and it fights for me / but / i don’t understand why the universe has the funniest way of torturing me when I crave peace the most / it’s as if i am drowning fighting death on the bottom of the ocean but all you see are coral sunsets and calm waters while you breath perfect salty air / you don’t see me / you’re blessed with beautiful eyes but they are blind

i’ve let these words live in my head for too long

as i find my eyelids weighing heavier than the thoughts on my mind, i wish i could make it all stop. not in the way you might think. sometimes in that way, but mostly in the way that would give me a break from my emptiness without anyone knowing i needed a break. it was hard to feel and wail and gulp back my tears but it’s even harder to feel numbness consume my heart. i haven’t written lately. not because i haven’t been craving it but because the words don’t come as easily anymore. for someone who uses poetry to empty out the damaging thoughts, this is an unspeakable loss. but right now i don’t want that permanent break i sometimes think about…i hope i find my light again soon.

i never liked the color red

my emotions make themselves known by pumping my blood faster and faster until my breath can’t keep up any longer and my head seems to forget its place during the day is under the sun, not rested on a pillow in my blackened room

my emotions spiral themselves around the bagel i brought myself to eat and i can’t help but wonder how it would be to live without an urge to reintroduce my finger to my throat and let them dance around for awhile

my family says to control my emotions but i keep letting my emotions control me until they burst out of my dirt-colored eyes, creating a muddy monsoon that sweeps up any sliver of hope and rushes it away with all of the people who tell me i’m a liability

maybe the problem is me because my days of the week pill container is full of chemical happiness but my heart remains empty, longing for the days when my nervous system did not rely on prescriptions to stay alive

as i resist the temptation to let my anger swallow me whole, my lilac manicured nails fight the urge to make drawings on my skin that has been broken too many times to remember

my emotions continue to control me
and i don’t want to remember any of it at all.

full circle

nine years old
plaid skirt, polo shirt, knees bent in the pew
worshipping something so ambiguous
my mind could not understand the unconditional love my god was suppose to bestow on me, because i had not seen it anywhere else
there was something oddly comforting about this, something i lost when my brain decided to turn inside out on itself

ten years later, i pass the pretty brick churches with the witty signs, and wonder if
maybe
i could belong there again, too

for my heart yearns for a sense of belonging but my scattered-brain and clawed up arms can’t imagine a community built on the foundation of faith wanting to accept someone who had lost that at the tender age of fourteen

i never thought my weary eyes and skepticism would want to find a god again
i don’t know how this journey looks for me but i can promise you, it will be on my terms this time around
i will not allow my experiences to make me hard.

sweet dreams

there is no scarier feeling than laying in a blackened room with nothing but my delusions to lay beside me
laying there thinking that my dreams will be heaven but here i am, stuck in purgatory
i am swallowed whole by the thought that my yesterdays were a daydream and my present is a nightmare
my future haunts me yet it’s all i want

staring at the swivel of the fan,
i lose all reality
i forget my favorite things and an all too familiar monster snuggles against me
here i am,
alone
yet with so much unwanted company

and with burdened eyes, i lye there unable to control the spirals
slowly, i fall into heaven

failure

it’s the one thing that makes even the most esteemed people shake like autumn leaves, ready to crumble
my bar is as high as the airplane in the sky i’d love to take to get away from myself
and if i’m not doing flips and leaps higher than it, i’d rather sink deep into an ocean full of all the things i do not want
i can do better.
i can always do better.
but what happens when better is never enough?
i fly to the moon, but all i see is that i didn’t explore the whole galaxy
and that’s all you see, too.

distance no. 2

there is a beautiful river around the bend
i sit and stare at its relaxed waves, crashing like the soft whispers he and i have shared here
this is where it all began

i remember the night sitting under the stars, a chilly wind caressing my body while he slipped his arm around my back
and i think about how i leaned onto his shoulder
before i knew it, his lips were on mine and my heart was dancing
actually, it still hasn’t stopped

i think about sitting in this same spot and giggling with pizza-filled bellies, when he tells me about his old home on the small street with the park at the end, how he wants to take me there

there we were again, sitting under the dazzling stars, talking about the things that make us cry
he looks over at the flowing river, moonlight reflecting on the dark calm waters, when he turns his hazel eyes to mine
he looks at me like his whole world is in front of him and tells me he’s been falling
that he’s fell
he whispers those three words in my ear and tears start falling down my beaming face, caressing my cheeks like the cold breeze that first night

and now i sit here, and i’ve returned those words thousands of times to his patient ears
but i can’t help but think about how this beautiful river where our love blossomed
is also the water
that separates us